WEED’S LEGAL!… except it’s really not though, is it?

Well, today’s the day. Cannabis can be officially smoked without fear of being sent to jail. I live in Vancouver, so this news seems rather redundant to me. It would be like the Government officially declaring chewing gum legal. But now all across the nation people can light up without fear of being harassed by the cops. Except they really can’t though, can they?

The rules on marijuana consumption vary wildly from province to province. Here in B.C. it is illegal to smoke cannabis anywhere smoking tobacco is prohibited, which is to say basically everywhere. You can’t smoke tobacco and therefore weed in any government park. Say you want to get high and go for a nature walk through Stanley Park. “No problem, I don’t have to smoke in the park” you say, “I’ll just get high in my parked car first and then go for a walk.” Not so fast skippy, it’s also illegal to smoke weed in a car regardless of whether or not you’re going to be driving that car. “Alright fine, I’ll just get high at home first and then go to Stanley Park.” Great idea, as long as you own your own home, in which case congratulations, you’re a millionaire, you can do whatever the hell you want. But for all you renter’s out there, not so fast. Landlords can decide to restrict smoking on their properties. You know, just how they’re allowed to set restrictions on whether or not you’re allowed to drink alcohol. Oh wait, they can’t do that, cause that’s BOOZE we’re talking about. Good old fashioned pure-blooded North American booze. Booze never hurt anybody.

Now assuming you’ve found somewhere to get high before you go to Stanley Park, because remember, smoking inside Stanley Park is still quite illegal. Now you have to get there, and it is now illegal to drive after having smoked any amount of weed, regardless. In fact, say you didn’t even smoke any weed, you just hung out with your friends who were smoking weed and you stayed sober as you’re the designated driver. You better sure as hell hope you don’t get pulled over on your way, because if you do the Police are allowed to give you a forced breath-test if they have reasonable suspicion you’re under the influence, and your buddies are in the car who are all high as fuck and reek to shit of weed, so yeah, they have a right to be suspicious. No such law existed before when the cops were only testing for alcohol, because once again, that’s just harmless alcohol we’re talking about, and it’s not like drinking and driving ever hurt anyone. So you get pulled over, and are forced to take this breath test, well it’s all good because you didn’t smoke so you don’t have anything to worry about. Except the test for marijuana is horribly ineffective and has a very high chance of showing a false positive if you’ve smoked weed anytime in the last month. Congratulations! Now that weed is legal, you’re going to jail!!

Well at least actual possession isn’t illegal anymore. Even though it’s basically illegal to smoke it anywhere including “in areas frequented by children” whatever that means, no getting high at Chuck E. Cheese I guess. But you can carry up to 30 grams legally. Any more than 30 grams and it’s sketchy again, because again, just like booze, you’re only allowed to carry a certain amount on you at a time.

But first you actually have to get this weed, and that might prove to be difficult. Here in B.C. you’re allowed to grow up to 4 plants at home as long as they are out of public sight. If they can be seen from your window, oopsie, that’s illegal again. Cause you know how when someone is walking down the sidewalk and they happen to see a bottle of booze in someone’s window, and it sends them into a murderous rage in which they will kill, rape, and maim anything they see just to get their hands on some of that sweet sweet demon gin. Well weed is just like that. So it really just makes a lot of sense that you’re not allowed to grow weed anywhere that an innocent bystander could see it and be instantly sent into fits of homicidal insanity. Madness is like gravity, all it takes is a little push.

Okay, well not a problem, just grow the weed out of public sight. It’s not like it’s a plant that needs sunlight which is typically found near windows. And again, this is assuming you own your own house, you millionaire boomer who made all the right decisions you. Because again, if a landlord is allowed to say you can’t smoke it, then he can damn sure set restrictions on you growing it, as is his or her god given right as your lord in our feudal system you despicable serf.

Okay, so you can’t grow your own, that’s fine. Just go to the legal dispensary. “Ahh, no problem. They’re everywhere in BC. There’s a dispensary just down the block from me.” Oh no, actually that isn’t a legal dispensary. There’s only one legal dispensary in all of B.C. and it’s in Kamloops. So I hope you don’t like to smell, or see your bud before you buy it, cause you have to order it online and then wait for it to get delivered through the mail. And when it does get delivered through the mail, I sure hope you’re home to receive it, because you have to be there in person to give legal ID proving your over 18 or else Canada Post will not deliver it, lest the marijuana fall into the possession of children which brings me to another point.

KIDS ARE ALREADY SMOKING WEED. One of the justifications for legalizing marijuana was it was easier for kids under the age of 18 to obtain marijuana than alcohol. And so many of these ridiculously prohibitive and regressive laws are being explained as necessary to make sure kids don’t get their sticky paws on any marijuana, which is beyond stupid. The kids who want to smoke weed, will always find weed, ya know why? Cause they’re cool. And that’s what cool kids do. Drugs.

Now maybe you’re a parent and you’re thinking “not my Brandon. I raised him right. The only drugs he needs are his mother’s love and soccer practice.” I’m sure you’re right. Brandon probably is a good kid. But if he does decide to smoke weed, he’s going to be able to find some. He was able to find some before it was legal, and he’ll be able to find some after, and all these ridiculous laws won’t change a damn thing. All they’re going to do is inconvenience adults and continue to make criminals out of otherwise law abiding citizens.

Everytime I hear marijuana being debated on CBC, there’s always some concerned mom, let’s call her Janet, cause her name is always Janet. And Janet always brings up the fact that smoking weed can be harmful to developing minds and the science isn’t conclusive on the effects. Listen Janet, you’re right. You’re always right. You were right about Kathy being a cunt at the PTA meeting and you’re right about this. But I can tell you, through personal research, you can smoke a little weed as a teenager and end up fine, as almost everyone I knew in high school. Listen, if your 12 year old is wake and baking and chiefing mad bong rips 24/7, then ya, you might want to get a handle on that, but if 17 year old Brandon has a couple of tokes at a party because he wanted to look cool in front of his friends, it’s honestly no big deal. Just don’t worry about it. Maybe you should roll a doober yourself and smoke it up and just chillax. Assuming you own your own house that is.

The reefer madness to protect kids is still in full effect. It’s the reason the government is trying to crack down on edibles in the form of candies, cookies, and brownies, because they look appetizing to kids. Hey, here’s an idea parents. How about you KEEP YOUR FUCKING WEED CANDIES OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. Saying weed candy should be illegal because it’s appealing to kids is the exact same thing as saying jello vodka shots should be illegal. Jello shots are fine, just don’t put one next to your child’s bowl of Frosted Flakes, for fucks sake Karen.

I could really go on endlessly about how stupid the new legalization rules are. But it’s October 17th and I got weed to smoke. So I’ll just say “Hey Justin Trudeau, way to half-ass it, nerd.”